I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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