I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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