nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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