i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
