just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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