I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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