They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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