i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
