my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
