I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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