Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
