So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
