its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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