The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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