I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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