does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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