he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize