im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
