I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
