Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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