He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
