Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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