It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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