You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
