All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
