I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
