remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
