And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Found the puke drawer
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
