I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
