please come you make the beer taste better
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
