ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
