Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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