He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
