I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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