can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
