So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
