I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize