chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
