Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize