I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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