She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
