u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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