I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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