What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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