what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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