I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
