Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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