so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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