My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I love you. Go after that dick
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
