see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
