How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
