I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
