Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
