The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
