Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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