he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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