Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
