yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
