Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
