I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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