so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
